We saw Gloria Bell last night and I was a tad triggered—my default of late, with which my newly manifested gay, Jewish (triple points!) therapist is helping. Rebuilding a life is hard at any age. Julianne Moore's character reminds us of that in ways entertaining and poignant. She plays a 55-year-old divorced woman in a new relationship with a codependent man (which pegs her as codependent too, according to author Melody Beattie).
It made me want to revisit a journal entry from November 2017 (edited version below). We were four months into our island adventure. There was, indeed, pain in paradise. My then-fiance-now-husband's book had not sold and my daughters desperately wanted to return to their mainland life and friends. I was doing what I do: trying to fix everything instead of staying in my lane, which never works.
Coral Strand Reflections
Nov. 13, 2017. The panic inquiry has surfaced – what HAVE I accomplished since we arrived on the archipelago? What have I got to show for it?
Don’t waste this opportunity with ruminations, revisions, habitual responses to angry email missives, she reminded herself. Take inventory. Clean house.
Having offered up our leis at the haole by way of “please bless our endeavors here,” having surfed Castles two dozen times and frolicked under waterfalls and road biked and yoga sculpted and scary-hiked on mountain spines and outdoor showered twice a day and started an LLC and helped three CA legal clients and hosted six out-of-town guests, having read Less by Andrew Sean Greer and before that Eckhart Tolle and after that John Gottman and during and throughout Finnegan’s Barbarian Days. Having tended to two teenagers 24/7 for a semester. Having revisited the screenplay and its original source material. Having spent time in Kailua-Kona and Captain Cook on the Big Island to work in the “recovery zone” at the Ironnan. Having learned to appreciate the Japanese tourists for their uniformly sweet demeanor and their inability to hold their line in the grocery aisles. Having lived and written Death by a Thousand Cuts (A Cautionary Tale of Control and Subjugation) and then saved it for later, as the blog is not altogether anonymous. Having caved and purchased a Jeep ostensibly for us but really for (temporarily because it's their job as adolescents) Dark and Stormy as a 2000-pound BandAid that still doesn’t quite cover the wound. Having tried, in vain, to prescribe and preordain their precious destinies … having planned the Big Island trip (having thought we might elope there) to hike in the crater that is Pele’s wake, having had faith in A’s process and the publishing world, the latter of which is testing our stamina, resolve and mettle, having felt the ELEMENTS on a cellular level while wearing very little and liking it, having met mermaids and mermen and reserved islanders, having visited the daughter in college to witness her complicated emergence as Young Woman With Important Ideas and Rock-ribbed Resilience, having witnessed friendships evolve to a place of semi-remove (what with the philosophical divergence in small but important life-grooves that led to different decisions, outcomes, moral weigh-stations and moral-way stations), having drafted the A-Z #metoo post and the Circle Jerk(s) Shouts and Murmurs submission for The New Yorker (wherein the perps sit in group at “The Field: A Sexual Predator Addiction Recovery Center” sharing their overlapping litanies of lies and warped webs of exploitation of the power differential (because, ya know, #ED) in a Watershed Moment in Time … When the Tide Turned and Men were Required to Keep Their Dicks in Their Pants At Work and Otherwise … having committed to taking an inventory of my (active) resentments and (doubtless futile) amendments to sweep said inventory into a million (in)consequential—too soon to tell—particles:
Emptying the Suitcase and Examining the Contents
Having arrived on this six+-hour flight—the last of six flights in six days—with a suitcase and a lifetime full of pain + joy in equal parts to conduct an overdue, fierce moral inventory based on Melody Beattie’s Codependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps … on this page. For me, for him, for them. Because love, vulnerability and forgiveness have to win in the end.
Beattie reminds us that it’s not a blaming-ourselves exercise but a discovering-ourselves exercise … it’s about self-responsibility. I take solace in that.
- An inventory of CoD characteristics
- General Biological Sketch
- A specific biological sketch (focus on one aspect: relationships, work, family
- Resentments—list all the things that we hold resentments against including people, institutions or principles. (Can cover all the areas of our lives including anger, fear, sex, $$, resentment)
- Things We’ve Done Wrong (things around which we feel guilt and shame, including treating ourselves badly, not taking care of ourselves)
- Wrongs Others Have Done to Us (where are we not taking care of ourselves?; get it out; move on)
- An Asset Inventory (list our strengths)
- A List of Anger Fear and Shame (include childhood and family-of-origin issues; examine messages we are carrying from childhood—mine include: don’t feel, be perfect; CoDa behaviors are often there to help us not feel. This step helps us FEEL + RESOLVE + HEAL (Helps us accept who we are and that we make mistakes but that they don’t define us.) We can learn to love ourselves
- Beattie’s list of codependent behaviors.*
- Caretaking: Codependents may:
- think and feel responsible for other people for other people's feelings, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
- feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.
- feel compelled almost forced to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
- feel angry when their help isn't effective.
- anticipate other people's needs.
- wonder why others don't do the same for them.
- find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they don't really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.
- feel sad because the spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them.
- feel harried and pressured.
- blame others for the spot the codependents are in.
- say other people make the codependents feel the way they do.
- believe other people are making them crazy.
- feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.
- find other people become impatient or angry with them for all the preceding characteristics.
- Low Self-Worth: Codependents tend to:
- come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families.
- deny their family was troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional.
- blame themselves for everything.
- pick on themselves for everything, including the way they think, feel, look, act, and behave.
- get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indignant when others blame and criticize the codependents something codependents regularly do to themselves.
- reject compliments or praise.
- get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise (stroke deprivation).
- feel different than the rest of the world.
- think they're not quite good enough.
- feel guilty about spending money on themselves or doing unnecessary or fun things for themselves.
- feel rejection.
- take things personally.
- have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, or alcoholism.
- feel like victims.
- tell themselves they can't do anything right.
- be afraid of making mistakes.
- wonder why they have a tough time making decisions.
- expect themselves to do everything perfectly.
- wonder why they can't get anything done to their satisfaction.
- have a lot of "shoulds."
- feel a lot of guilt.
- feel ashamed of who they are.
- think their lives aren't worth living.
- try to help other people live their lives instead.
- artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others.
- get strong feelings of low self-worth embarrassment, failure, etc. from other people's failures and problems.
- wish good things would happen to them.
- believe good things never will happen.
- wish other people would like and love them.
- believe other people couldn't possibly like and love them.
- try to prove they're good enough for other people.
- settle for being needed.
- Repression: Many codependents:
- push their thoughts and feelings out of their awareness because of fear and guilt.
- become afraid to let themselves be who they are.
- appear rigid and controlled.
- Obsession: Codependents tend to:
- feel terribly anxious about problems and people.
- worry about the silliest things.
- think and talk a lot about other people.
- lose sleep over problems or other people's behavior.
- worry.
- never find answers.
- check on people.
- try to catch people in acts of misbehavior.
- feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and worrying about other people or problems.
- abandon their routine because they are so upset about somebody or something.
- focus all their energy on other people and problems.
- wonder why they never have any energy.
- wonder why they can't get things done.
- Controlling: Many codependents:
- have lived through events and with people that were out of control, causing the codependents sorrow and disappointment.
- become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally.
- don't see or deal with their fear of loss of control.
- think they know best how things should turn out and how people should behave.
- try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination.
- eventually fail in their efforts or provoke people's anger.
- get frustrated and angry.
- feel controlled by events and people.
- Denial: Codependents tend to:
- ignore problems or pretend they aren't happening.
- pretend circumstances aren't as bad as they are.
- tell themselves things will be better tomorrow.
- stay busy so they don't have to think about things.
- get confused.
- get depressed or sick.
- go to doctors and get tranquilizers.
- became workaholics.
- spend money compulsively.
- overeat.
- pretend those things aren't happening, either.
- watch problems get worse.
- believe lies.
- lie to themselves.
- wonder why they feel like they're going crazy.
- Dependency: Many codependents:
- don't feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves.
- look for happiness outside themselves.
- latch onto whoever or whatever they think can provide happiness.
- feel terribly threatened by the loss of any thing or person they think provides their happiness.
- didn't feel love and approval from their parents.
- don't love themselves.
- believe other people can't or don't love them.
- desperately seek love and approval.
- often seek love from people incapable of loving.
- believe other people are never there for them.
- equate love with pain.
- feel they need people more than they want them.
- try to prove they're good enough to be loved.
- don't take time to see if other people are good for them.
- worry whether other people love or like them.
- don't take time to figure out if they love or like other people.
- center their lives around other people.
- look to relationships to provide all their good feelings.
- lose interest in their own lives when they love.
- worry other people will leave them.
- don't believe they can take care of themselves.
- stay in relationships that don't work.
- tolerate abuse to keep people loving them.
- feel trapped in relationships.
- leave bad relationships and form new ones that don't work either.
- wonder if they will ever find love.
- Poor Communication: Codependents frequently:
- blame
- threaten.
- coerce.
- beg.
- bribe.
- advise.
- don't say what they mean.
- don't mean what they say.
- don't know what they mean.
- don't take themselves seriously.
- think other people don't take the codependents seriously.
- take themselves too seriously.
- ask for what they want and need indirectly--sighing, for example
- find it difficult to get to the point.
- aren't sure what the point is.
- gauge their words carefully to achieve a desired effect.
- try to say what they think will please people.
- try to say what they think will provoke people.
- try to say what they hope will make people do what they want them to do.
- eliminate the word "no" from their vocabulary
- talk too much.
- talk about other people.
- avoid talking about themselves, their problems, feelings, and thoughts.
- say everything is their fault.
- say nothing is their fault.
- believe their opinions don't matter.
- wait to express their opinions until they know other people's opinions.
- lie to protect and cover up for people they love.
- lie to protect themselves.
- have a difficult time asserting their rights.
- have a difficult time expressing their emotions honestly, openly, and appropriately.
- think most of what they have to say is unimportant.
- begin to talk in cynical, self-degrading, or hostile ways.
- apologize for bothering people.
- Weak Boundaries: Codependents frequently:
- say they won't tolerate certain behaviors from other people.
- gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they never would.
- let others hurt them.
- keep letting people hurt them.
- wonder why they hurt so badly.
- complain, blame, and try to control while they continue to stand there.
- finally get angry.
- become totally intolerant.
- Lack of Trust: Codependents:
- don't trust themselves.
- don't trust their feelings.
- don't trust their decisions.
- don't trust other people.
- try to trust untrustworthy people.
- think God has abandoned them.
- lose faith and trust in God.
- Anger: Many codependents:
- feel very scared, hurt, and angry.
- live with people who are very scared, hurt, and angry.
- are afraid of their own anger.
- are frightened of other people's anger.
- think people will go away if anger enters the picture.
- think other people make them feel angry.
- are afraid to make other people feel anger.
- feel controlled by other people's anger.
- repress their angry feelings.
- cry a lot, get depressed, overeat, get sick, do mean and nasty things to get even, act hostile, or have violent temper outbursts.
- punish other people for making the codependents angry.
- have been shamed for feeling angry.
- place guilt and shame on themselves for feeling angry.
- feel increasing amounts of anger, resentment, and bitterness.
- feel safer with their anger than with hurt feelings.
- wonder if they'll ever not be angry.
- Sex Problems: Some codependents:
- are caretakers in the bedroom.
- have sex when they don't want to.
- have sex when they'd rather be held, nurtured, and loved.
- try to have sex when they're angry or hurt.
- refuse to enjoy sex because they're so angry at their partner.
- are afraid of losing control.
- have a difficult time asking for what they need in bed.
- withdraw emotionally from their partner.
- feel sexual revulsion toward their partner.
- don't talk about it.
- force themselves to have sex, anyway.
- reduce sex to a technical act.
- wonder why they don't enjoy sex.
- lose interest in sex.
- make up reasons to abstain.
- wish their sex partner would die, go away, or sense the codependent's feelings.
- have strong sexual fantasies about other people.
- consider or have an extramarital affair.
- Miscellaneous: Codependents tend to:
- be extremely responsible.
- be extremely irresponsible.
- become martyrs, sacrificing their happiness and that of others for causes that don't require sacrifice.
- find it difficult to feel close to people.
- find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous.
- have an overall passive response to codependency--crying, hurt, helplessness.
- have and overall aggressive response to codependency--violence, anger, dominance.
- combine passive and aggressive responses.
- vacillate in decisions and emotions.
- laugh when they feel like crying.
- stay loyal to their compulsions and people even when it hurts.
- be ashamed about family, personal, or relationship problems.
- be confused about the nature of the problem.
- cover up, lie, and protect the problem.
- not seek help because they tell themselves the problem isn't bad enough, or they aren't important enough.
- wonder why the problem doesn't go away.
- Progressive: In the later stages of codependency, codependents may:
- feel lethargic.
- feel depressed.
- become withdrawn and isolated.
- experience a complete loss of daily routine and structure.
- abuse or neglect their children and other responsibilities.
- feel hopeless.
- begin to plan their escape from a relationship they feel trapped in.
- think about suicide.
- become violent.
- become seriously emotionally, mentally, or physically ill.
- experience an eating disorder (over- or undereating).
- become addicted to alcohol and other drugs.
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